How to write in the tundra (At the end, he laughed. Already to tears)


Many people ask: “Laura, what about the tundra with a toilet?” “And with the toilet on the tundra,” I say, “everything is fine.”

«Nowhere else will you find such an elegant toilet as in the tundra (here I pull a long cigarette out of a pack of pink "Gathering" and pause to nervously smoke). This toilet stretches literally from horizon to horizon, and the only inconvenience you can to face the act of kakanya or writing, it is ...“However, this is not the only inconvenience.

I once dealt with a toilet that did not have a ceiling, three walls and a door. The toilet was located on the territory of ours with the ex-husband of the dacha, so for a while he did not irritate us, but we still made ourselves new, with walls and even some sort of coffee table. The tubzo, which we received from the previous owners, consisted of 4 pillars dug into the ground, between which tattered carpet paths dangled. Instead of a roof, a cedar branch hung over the tubs,on which a snowdrift forever lay. Straightening up, the lavatory visitor necessarily touched the head with a snowdrift and shook him by the collar. So, when I found myself in a deer camp, the memory of a tuba with an unstable snowdrift over my head turned out to be one of the warmest and, at least three times a day, I was ready to give a bucket of tea for each of its three carpet paths. I forgot to say that tea in the tundra is valued slightly higher than any shit like Hennessey. In the camp that sheltered me, Lipton was respected.

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Three hours after arrival, sulking off the Lipton road with condensed milk brought by me, I got out of the plague to see where this Lipton could be released from the body. For beauty, I took a camera with me, which, however, did not deceive anyone: “Laura,” the good owners told me, “if you want to piss, beware of deer.” I did not understand about deer, but did not ask again. “No,” I said, imperceptibly bursting into the darkness of the plague, “I want to take pictures.”

Outside was very spacious. The sun was hanging low over the tundra, demonstrating ample opportunities for photographing me throughout Ivanovo: no matter how hard the lens is,not a single suitable shelter. Between the tents, deers roamed, thoughtfully picking their hooves in the snow. They looked, in spite of the horns, peacefully. "Lipton", meanwhile, every minute made my life more difficult. I moved about twenty meters from the extreme plague, lowered my trousers and, putting my bare ass at minus 47 at 15 m / s wind, immediately stopped feeling it. But I was not up to ass: the process of expelling the "Lipton" eclipsed me at that moment all. That is why I did not immediately pay attention to some obscure movement behind me. And when she turned around, she didn’t even get scared: the expression on the faces of the deer rushing towards me was focused, but not hostile. They dared me, in my opinion, without even noticing, and began to eat snow where I just squatted. In the tent I came back very puzzled. Before that, I thought that reindeer eat exclusively moss.

The fact that they were laughing at me, I'm not going to mention here, especially since they were grateing me without malice. I have something to be proud of: I turned out to be easily trained, which I now and clearly report on in my resume when trying to find a job somewhere. On the next trip to the wind, I went with knowledge, taking a long stick with the name “trochee” with me into the open field.This trochee, which has nothing in common with iambic and other poetic bells and whistles, is usually used by reindeer drivers as drin, which should be pushed in by fans of human urine if they slow down too much on the road. That time I pulled the trochee out of a snowdrift next to the plague and went into the snow, singing some kind of courageous garbage like “You are now in the Army.” The deer, at once spitting on the moss, gathered in a heap and followed me, like children behind the pied piper. I changed the song to “Three pieces of sausages” (I would look at you, so that you would remember to sing under similar circumstances), but the cattle did not lag behind. I added a step, the deer went to a trot. I ran, the deer began to gallop, overtook me and stopped to see where I was there. From a distance I showed them the trochee, and they came closer. Two of them gave to scratch themselves between the horns, and one - to touch the nose. The nose of the reindeer is hairy, if anyone does not know.

We stood opposite each other: I and about twenty deer, waiting, when I stop suffering from garbage and finally make yellow snow. I swung a choir, they slightly bowed their heads and did not budge. “Get out of here !!!” - I shouted and flooded my legs, instantly falling into the crust to the middle of my pants. The deer stood and watched me get out of the snow.A couple of them stretched their necks to check if I had left a little bit of urine in the snow, and one of them even poked this question directly to me. “Gone out, goat,” I said, struck him in the hara and at that moment reminded myself naughty to myself of a schoolgirl who had gotten into impudent siblings and was beating off from them like a fan.

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I returned to the tent with nothing. That is, on the contrary.

- Well, how? - Alla asked Ayvasedo. We met her in Sumburgh, a good city, a thousand people, including boarding children. It was Alla who brought me to the camp to her relatives, presenting as “a good Russian, but a little of that”.

“Why,” I said.
- Deer? - Alla asked.
- How do you even go to the toilet? - I asked.
- But how. Come show, ”Alla said,“ I just want it too.

And we went.

The deer had already scattered around the camp, but when they saw us, they began to group and prepare for the hunt.

“We need to shout at them, they will scatter,” Alla explained as she went.
“I screamed,” I said.
“How did you scream there,” she waved a sliver at me. Sliver she captured in the plague from the "stove".
- Normally screamed, - I said, but, remembering the schoolgirl, shut up.

The deer followed us by a well-trained "pig."

Alla stopped, digged a hole in Nastya with a splinter, and took up the floor of the yagushka (this is such a girl's malitz of deer skins). The deer approached and stood as if dug in two meters, without taking their eyes off the hole that Alla had cast out.

- Look, as it should, - Alla said and, typing in the air, shouted at the half-tundra:

- And well, for * FAST FAST !!!

The deer were still running when Alla got up and straightened the frog. When I got up, the deer were already returning, but they were still far away.

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From that moment on, I went to the tundra without an escort. “Well, fuck it fast !!!” - this is what I myself know how to say when itches. Moreover, it soon became clear that this phrase is not necessary to shout completely, enough and truncated version. "Come on * uy !!!" - it came from time to time from the tundra. This meant that one of the inhabitants of the camp went to the toilet.

Three days later I learned to distinguish them by voice.

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